HELLO EVERYONE,

Well, we are mucking our way through this winter with cold temperatures and then hot springs days in February that are filled with the poison toxins of pollen. Wow, who said, this is the best of all possible worlds? Interesting time, I think we will all agree.

BIG SKY

All reports from Big Sky say that it is negative below zero, but when you are bundled up and outside skiing, everyone has a warm glow going down the hill.  Montana has the snow, the cold, and the ski club so it must be kind of like heaven, white and homey.

BIG DAY COMING

As many of you know I will resign as President of the Ski Club in April. Now that event is for another newsletter. However, I understand that very few members read the newsletter each month, and even fewer click on the President’s column.

But in a manner similar to how Neil Diamond sang the same songs he sung in the 60’s and 70’s, I want to republish the column I did a couple of years ago in hopes of everyone understanding what pure banality is in written form and how it can add basically nothing to your life in general.  But remember, even a diet cola can taste good and be refreshing on a hot day.

So once again, from June of 2016, here is the monthly note that was in the Ski Club newsletter.

JUNE 2016:

MONTHLY HAIR GEL STUFF

Ambrose Bierce was a writer extraordinaire, American editorialist, journalist, and satirist. He wrote the short story, “An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge,” and, “The Devil’s Dictionary,” that received quite amount of notoriety around the turn of the century. Here are a couple of examples of “The Devil’s Dictionary.”

• ·      Conservative (n.) A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others;
• ·      Egoist (n.) A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me;
• ·      Faith (n.) Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel;
• ·      Lawyer (n.) one skilled in circumventing the law. (He is right on there).

Bierce was stationed in San Francisco and went to the Mexican Revolution as a journalist and was never heard from again.

I think that we at the Chattanooga Ski Club need to have our own dictionary, closely aligned to  “The Devil’s Dictionary,” as a way to welcome new folks in the Ski Club and hope they will feel as comfortable as Osama bin Laden did when he was sent to Hell by Seal Team 6.

 Here we go:

• 1.     APRES SKI BARS - The only bars in the world were after a day of skiing and libation, the song “PLAY THAT FUNKY MUSIC WHITE BOY,” is played twice an hour, really sounds good, and petitions are on the every table for making it the U.S. National Anthem that you really want to sign;
• 2.     LIFT TICKET - An ounce of Legal Colorado marijuana purchased for you and friends;
• 3.     SKI PANTS - The only type of clothing that men feel comfortable telling their wives truthfully, “No, Honey, your butt doesn’t look big at all in those ski slacks;”
• 4.     SKI HELMET - An article worn over the head as a safety device but everyone knows is absolutely no protection when going head first in a tree.  The only purpose of the object is keeping your head warm on cold days. (Of course, that is something);
• 5.     SKI BOOTS - Torture tools of the Spanish Inquisition used to find infidels, witches, and warlocks. Through the years, good skiers understand that to ski well their boots must cause them unimaginable pain. If their boots feel good, pious gods will attack your ankles and knees, and you will get hurt and require serious surgery. (“ .…WHERE IT’S AT, I GOT REAL TIGHT BOOTS AND MICROPHONE….”)(take-off on a Beck song);
• 6.     SKI GOOGLES - what the world looks like after seven (7) Moscow mules at the end of the day in the local ski bar;
• 7.     BUMPS - When seen on a ski slope, they are just like ones on your body: not real attractive and can be killers if not taken care of with extreme care by a trained professional;
• 8.     POMA LIFTS - The opposite of falling and sliding down the mountain, a poma lift never stops, going up the mountain and always requires that you fall getting on.   The best way to be shamed and noticed on a hill at the same time is a poma lift;
• 9.     SKI POLES - What you call a group of folks from Warsaw at the après ski bar.

This is not complete but will hopefully get it started and everyone thinking about proper definitions for the Chattanooga Ski Club for words that we use all the time a ski resort.

Quote of the Month:

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

            Henny Youngman, comedian extraordinaire

I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU AT THE NEXT MEETING.

Ashley Ownby